EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
