I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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