Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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