i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
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She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
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It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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