A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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