Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
