That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
