Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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