True but thats because hes a fetus.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
