do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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