i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
