you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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