yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
