why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
