I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
