Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
