The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
