a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
