Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
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Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
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Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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