i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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