The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night