My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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