You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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