your parents love me but you hate me
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
