watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
