If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
