Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
