about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
