he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
