If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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