your parents love me but you hate me
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
