Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
i think im in europe. pls send help
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