And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
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woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
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Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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