So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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