I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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