She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize
