I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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