Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
