I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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