I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
