I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
