she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize