I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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