I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
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There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
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The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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