so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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