Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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