He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
