This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
