I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
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