I think i peed on brittanys purse
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
