You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
