You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
