I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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