At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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