my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm really busy with my period
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