you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
