Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
