Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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