I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I don't deserve a penis
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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