I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
